Struggles with the every day

No one said it was going to be easy, they just said it was going to be worth it.
This is a great quote and one I try and remember when times get hard, however lately I am questioning everything I feel I once knew. I had a really long conversations with one of my RA's two days ago and this RA in particular RA and I do not have the best relationship, and in our meeting she told me all the many reasons why I was not a good boss. It was a very frustrating and upsetting conversation. I know I am still learning and improving but higher education is what I thought I was good at, it is definitely one of my passions and so to be told you are not good at something you thought you were is just hard. I don't know I am kind of rambling because I do not know who I can talk to about a lot of this stuff anymore. I miss the girls from home so much but we are all in such different places in our lives, I barely talk to them at all. All my other friends from home have pretty much forgotten all about me and whatever, it is what it is but that still hurts. I do not think I can recall the last time one of them have randomly called to say hi, or even left me a damn message on facebook. I am always the one that has to initiate it and it gets old. FU friends have almost completely disappeared. I thankfully have the same three girls that were always there that I still get to talk to once in a while but even then it is so infrequent and I do not even remember when the last time was I saw them.

On a positive note, the only thing that really has been keeping me going lately is still FCX. I got a letter from AJ in the mail so that was really surprising and nice. I also got to have a really nice long talk with Matt, Fem last night and John not that long ago. Maryface and I need some serious catch up time but I know that will come. I am going up to FU for homecoming in a few weeks and I am really excite for that. I will get to see a lot of different people, maybe represent Francis Corps at the service fair and spend time with FEM =) I miss my neighbor so much and it will be wonderful to see her. Then in Nov. I will be heading to Cuse and get to see so many people I care about still there like Kev, Eric, Alton, and Bro J but most importantly Mary. Finally, in Dec. I will be going home for a while to see the girls, some of my other true friends, my family and then Lucc and hopefully AJ. All these visits while far off keep a smile on my face.

Also, I am really excited because I think one reason I have been feeling so blah is that I have not been able to do any volunteer work. However, next week I am going to orientation for the local nursing home and will hopefully doing an hour or two a week there ASAP! Then there is the fact that if I get the go ahead from my boss I will be leading the inter-national campus ministry service trip =) I am soooooooooo excited for this opportunity especially since there is talk of going to Jamaica. I can not even begin to write how pumped I am at the thought of going back to Kingston.

So, it is late and I am writing all of this to probably no one but myself at this point. It is all good though because it helps me to process it all. I am sure I will write more soon, if I do not go crazy with all this school work and job stuff.

Cuse

I miss Syracuse. I miss my job and my kids and my housemates. Grad school is hard and exhausting. The end.

New transition

My time in Syracuse NY as a Francis Corps volunteer has ended. I have been at JMU for like ten days now and it has definitely been a challenge to adjust. Everyone has been extremely friendly and welcoming but the days are long and tiring and sometimes I just want to run back to Cuse. However, that is not why I did a year of volunteer work. While my time has come to an end, the experience was life changing and I will never forget what I learned there.
I miss my roomies. While, we had ups and downs they were a great group of people who challenged me and helped me grow. I miss Mary-Face sweet cooking, Emily's late night chats, John's intellectual discussions on our dinner dates, AJ's witty responses to everything, and Lucc's way to always make me smile, even if he was making fun of me. And of course I miss Jimbo. He is a man of such strength and faith it never seize to amaze me. This group taught me to be patient (I'm still working on it ha), to love life, the importance of family, the power of communication and so much more.
I miss my job. The kids I worked with were one of a kind. I know there are poor inner city children everywhere but the kids at VH will always hold a piece of my heart and I will be back. I will visit and I hope to help them in anyway possible as the years go on. These kids taught me to not judge a book by its cover, they taught me the importance of a smile or a hug, and they made me realize how hard it is to break out of the cycle they live in but they can do it and will if they just keep going.
I miss my co-workers, well most of them. I made some great friends esp. some of the Ameri-corps girls, Braulio, Tanisha and of course Chris. They helped me when I wanted to scream. They made me laugh and they allowed me to be a crazy planner that I am. They loved me for me and that is just so genuine.
I miss the other friends I made esp. Kev and Eric. The two of them were such a big part of my experience this year and I can not imagine it without them.
Finally, I miss Cuse, and that is something i did not think I would ever say but it was a cute city. It had so many pretty parks, sweet fairs, and fun bats.
It is going to be okay though. I am going to never forget my time in the cuse and instead incorporate the ideas of simple living, a strong faith and community into this next stage of my life. Wish me luck.

Is it really over??

So I have one week left of work, five days, 35 hours. How the hell did that happen and how can I make it stop? Let me start by saying thanks to anyone that has been reading this blog of mine all year. I am sorry I was not as dedicated to it as I would have liked to been but it really was about find time to get everything in. I entered in this year with so many goals it was impossible to accomplish them all. Despite not accomplishing them all, I would say this year has been a great success. I am completely in love with my job and the kids I work with. I went and picked up a group of them who had been at an overnight camp for a week and one of my favorite girls screamed my name from like 20 feet away and came running into my arms. I can not imagine leaving them so soon. These kids who come from such crappy situations overall are such adorable, positive, loving kids. The other day on the bus ride back we were talking about a VH ten year reunion and I started talking to them about where they see themselves and it almost brought me to tears. They want to be construction workers, lawyers, teachers etc. They want to have a family but not to young (that is key esp. on the West Side) and they talk about college. I have faith that they can do it but it is going to be a difficult road and I just pray that they get there. I pray that the environment does not become too overbearing and they get roped into the drugs, violence, or teen pregnancy. I hope that I have helped to give them a little bit of motivation to realize these dreams can be a reality, they just need to work hard and keep focused.
I am also going to miss a lot of the people I work with. While it has been challenging and many times I have wanted to scream, many of the VH staff is wonderful people. Chris and Nolasco especially have been my two rocks. They have dealt with my bitching, they have pointed me in the right direction when I was not sure where to go or who to ask and they have been all together just great guys. I enjoy all the time I have had to talk to them on a one on one basis and really get to know them and what they are about. Nolasco offers such great words of wisdom and offers wonderful stories about his life. While Chris is such a funny laid back guy who I can talk aboout silly things like sports or the weather or much more important things like our community struggles or family life. Then there are the ladies- Cynda, Bridgett,and Tanisha. All wonderful people with whom I have had some great conversations with and shared my frustrations when things don't always go as planned. Finally, there is all the new Americorps staff with whom I adore esp. Laura and Sam. These girls have provided me female support after a year of mostly males. They are close to my age and full of energy and laughs. I am really thankful to have them these last two months and I feel much more confident leaving with them there. All in all work really is amazing. It is tiring, it is stressful but damn I am going to miss it.
Community life on the other hand has been a little rough. I would not take back this year ever. I have enjoyed living with these people and I have gotten extremely close to some of them. Overall, it has helped me to learn a lot about myself. Such as I am OCD about random things such as two of the same thing being opened at the same time, or the fridge being dirty, or the trash not being taken out. I have also learned that I am really a people person and love being around others but it is okay to be on my own. More then okay, it is crucial I get some me time to reflect, pray, read or journal. This time is what calms me down and really lets me process my day.I have also learned my flaws and I am working on them. Community living has been a great stepping stone to the real world, unfortunately I will not be going into the real world for quite some time ha. Still, it has been helpful for me to learn a lot about myself and how to maintain positive relationships with people.
I have so much more I could write about but I am tired and it is late. I will write more in the next few weeks as my year ends and I start a whole new journey. Wish me luck.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Leave it to God

So tomorrow is June 1st, that is crazy. My grandparents came to visit and it was really awesome to spend time with them. My grandmother is my rock and I do not know what I would do without her. There has been alot going on in my family lately and we were up pretty late talking about things but her conclusion was leave it up to God. The faith both of my grandparents have is amazing. It is such a huge part of their lives as individuals and has helped them to survive as a married couple. I just pray that one day I can be that faithful that God will have the answer.

Half empty or half full?

The last few weeks have been so crazy.I started this entry almost a week ago. It is now the 18th so I figured I should actually try and finish.

A lot has happened since my last entry so I will try and do a quick recap. The weekend of April 18th I worked because SU had their version of Hunger Clean-up at Fairfield and they came to Vincent House. It was a really fun day because we did like a field day and Emily came, which was also really nice. We both talk a lot about our crazy kids but she got the privileged of finally meeting mine.

Then the weekend of the 24th Colleen Mannix came to visit and I had a really good time with her. It made me miss Fairfield alot though especially at one point when it was Emily, Colleen, Eric and me at the bar. We had a busy weekend with a fundraiser dinner thingy on Friday night and went out downtown in our Sunday best afterward. It was alot of fun bar hopping and just hanging out. Then on Saturday Lucc returned which was wonderful because i really was starting to miss him (dont tell him I said that =0 )and we had some people here. Like usual the weather was not working with us and so beer pong and such had to be moved inside but none the less it was a good time. Then Sunday we just went to the park and hung out all day, it was wonderful because John's girlfriend was here and Matt's sister.

Then I woke up and it was May. I have no idea how that happened but anyways all six of us went camping in Penn. and with our luck our van broke down but it at least waited until we got there. This was really challenging and put a damper on our trip and some dealt with it better then others but definately was one of those things where you had to choose whether or not to see the glass as half empty- our van broke, stranded in Penn and going to cost us 600 dollars or half full- we all made it here safe, we are at a beautiful camp ground with plenty to do and jimbo to come to our rescue and pick us up. I tried to be optimistic and all in all the weekend turned out alright.

The next weekend I went home for a few reasons- eric was going so i had a ride, it was mother's day and it was beerolympics (drinking games with all my friends). It was a wonderful weekend home and I got to see most of my friends, saw Grama Downing, Grama and Pa and my neighbor Teri. Only people I really missed was my godmother kelly and my friend Beth but hey can't get everyone in one weekend. Hopefully, I will get to go home again soon and visit.

After going home though and not sleeping much, i got really sick last week. I took a day off from work and it was enough to kind of kick it in time for this weekend. This weekend Em's boyfriend Mike came to visit and we had a good time. We had a few people over both nights and just had some drinks.

So now that I have got you up on the basics, the reason i am writing this is because today has been a day of ups and downs and not so sure how to process it all. Work this last month has been really difficult. All of our college volunteers have gone home, Justin was out a few days because of personally stuff and the choices staff was moved to another building so no more visiting Aiysha and Nataylie =( This is the half empty- no friends to bug, less staff but just as many kids and stress. Half full- I have really made strong connections with some of the parents and have enjoyed conversations with them. Also, some of the kids have really started to open up to me and so I am able to try and provide advice on anything from relationships, to missing a parent.

I found out while writing this my little sister Anna was in a really bad car accident. Half full- She is okay, which is most important. Half empty- I am five hours away and can't hug her, her car is totaled, her insurance is going to skyrocket, and she caused damage to someone's fence and front porch because she fell asleep at the wheel. I love my sister to death but to say we don't have the best relationship would be an understatement so this just has jumbled up all my thoughts.
So here's the half empty:
On my way to work I saw a group of kids outside and as I got closer I noticed that two of the young boys were fighting. They were probably playing but it was escalating and one had just punched the other in the face. I was debating on if I should say something or not when I looked up and saw a woman much older ( I am assuming their mother) just sitting there watching. If this damn lady didn't care enough to stop her children from beating each other up then why should I. I walked away in disgust. How can anything I do have an impact on these kids when their environment they live in just sucks?? It breeds violence, drugs, and alcohol. Many of my kids have single young mothers whose boyfriends stay long enough for them to get close to them just before they move back out. I was talking to one of my preschool kids today and he was telling me how his mother beat the crap out of his dad because he had been out drinking. I asked him what he and his little brother did while they fought and he said he cheered them on. It is a form of entertainment to them. That is scary. I want to help. I came here this year to make a difference but maybe the problems are just to big for me to change anything at all.

Half full:
Today was a beautiful day. It was sunny and in the 80's. I was able to go to the gym and then walked to work. I read about how a recent March of Dimes walk here in Central New York raised like 5 percent more then they did last year. It is so wonderful that even in such trying times people can pull together their resources for a good cause. It makes me have hope that you can make a difference, even if its on a small scale. Another example of this is we met with a potential Francis Corps family tonight and they were amazing. It was a young mother and her two children and I was able to have a nice conversation with the mother. She was very inspired by what we do and wanted to help not only financially but by spreading the word of what we do and to connect us with other people who may help. What I do not think she realized is how much she motivated me. If this sweet and caring woman has so much faith in us then who am I to doubt it?? I will continue to get up each day and try and break through with my kids even if it is only short lived and one at a time. I will love them for who they are because hey they love me despite my many flaws.

Well now that I have rambled for like a week and tried to put it all in one entry I am going to call it a night. I do not know if any of this made sense but my conclusion is that my time here is flying by and I need to make the best of it. The world can be a depressing place but it is also a beautiful place. It has wonderful people in it that have faith things will and can get better and I have faith in them. I have faith that my conversation with a kid whose dad is in jail and he misses him will help him feel better for that minute, day or even week. So the glass is half full I just needed to look a little closer.

Smile because tomorrow is another day

its been a while from my last entry...sorry about that...i try i swear...but anyways

So not much to really report. Its April Vacation for the kids so this week has been pretty relaxing during the day but filled with field trips and luckily beautiful weather. Syracuse NY is really not that bad when the sun is out and shining. I had another girls night this time with a little more staff support so that was much more successful.

I officially have a plan after this year. I will be attending James Madison University in Harrisonburg Virginia. They offered me a hall director position, which means free housing and tuition. I am pretty excited about it because when I went to visit I really liked the people I met and the campus was really pretty. I am not so excited about moving again and starting to try and create a life for myself in another city. I have gotten use to Cuse and it is going to be really hard to say goodbye in July. Side note- I finish here July 31st and I am suppose to start there July 26. One that is impossible and two that means I am not home at all this summer, which is going to be hard not seeing my friends and family like I am use to. =(

In the past month I have had both family and friends go through so really challenging stuff,such as depression, eating disorders and dealing with the death of a high school friend. Needless to say, this all has been very tiring on me. I wish I could understand why or have the perfect answers to some of these issues. I have used this time during lent though to pray more often and started attending daily mass at least once a week. It was a nice way to start my mornings and gave me the confidence I needed each day. I realized that while at times my life was not a walk in the part there are always people that have it worse off and so I thank God for what I have been given and go and try and make a difference in others lives.

On another note, FCX had a much needed Lenten retreat the weekend before Easter. It was down at the Jersey Shore and it was wonderful. I really feel like we talked and laughed and just enjoyed each others presence. One day was a day of silence and fasting from anything that we choose. I decided to give up all electronic devices and to not snack during the day. It was challenging for me the big mouth not to talk all day and to really just take it as a day of prayer. My intention was for all those that suffer from mental illnesses especially depression and in memory of Sam. This day challenged me to think about what I am doing with my life both here in Cuse and for the future. It allowed me to think beyond just the job but my goals for the future. I dont know, it was helpful. Feel free to ask I can fill you in on my life dreams and desires HA.


Community life has been going okay. I love my housemates but we do have our moments. However, I am already sad realizing that I will not have a community next year and that we are all going to be in different places in just a few months. Matt and AJ to Boston area. Fem is heading back home to CT, Mary here in Cuse and then John in DC. If I include the Costa Rica volunteers it is even more spread apart =( Ed is off to Florida, Kiz in Costa Rica again, Lara in Cuse then DC and Erin is going to Tulane for med school. Oh well, plenty of nice places to visit I guess.

So much more to write but I got to get going back to the real world.

"Preach the Gospel if necessary use words"

You, give them something to eat

So Emily just read this article for prayer that talked about the story of Jesus Feeding Five Thousand and I found it very interesting. It talked about how the apostles at the end of the day just wanted to send the crowds away because they were tired and they did not have enough food. However, God challenged them to feed the crowds and by some miracle they did. They were able to pull their resources together and to turn 5 loaves of bread into enough to feed thousands. It is amazing what is possible.
Lately, I have been just simply worn out. Between grad school, some issues here at the house, family issues and work I just want to sleep and forget about the problems, leaving it for someone else. I want to send the crowd away. It is easier to just pray for a solution but it is much harder to work for that solution. This past weekend I was at Fairfield, and I ran into a former student Marco who has been working on HIV and AIDs awareness throughout the world. It was nice to talk to him even if it was only for a few minutes because it is such an inspiration. He is just an average guy who felt passionate about something and is working to make a change. He is making the change he wants to see in the world. It is so easy to get caught up in every day stresses and not look at the big picture. I came here to Syracuse to make a difference and hopefully leave a lasting impression with the kids whom I interact with on a daily basis. I have some praying and reflecting to do but I believe there is something more I can be doing at work. I am doing my job and I love the kids but I am not challenging myself and I do not know if I am really "feeding them" or instead sending them off to get the food somewhere else.
I have decided to try and get people from home to understand a little more about what I am doing. It is really important to me that the people I am close to understand what this year is really all about because it has become so important to me. So, I have decided to start a collection at home to bring back used toys, can goods, clothes etc. here to Syracuse. With the no-spending rules in affect now, more then ever these things can make a big difference. I have made a facebook invite and I am also sending letters home to my family and neighbors. Anything I get is better then nothing so we will see.
Well it is late, I am tired and have a million things going on in my little head so I am going to go. I will try and write more soon. Plenty of things to still catch everyone up on.

taking time to breathe

Where does the time go? I honestly can not believe I have lived here for over six months now, or that I graduated over 9 months ago, or even that the weekend is even over. Life is always going so quickly, I just wish that it would slow down and then I feel like I would be able to enjoy every day. Do you ever feel like there is never enough time to get everything done? This past week has been crazy. The pre-school teacher was sick so my week started by getting called in two hours earlier. Wednesday Chris left early because he was sick, and then Friday I had "girls night". This was my attempt to have a special activities for all the older girls 8-12 because often there is not as much for them to do at our center as there is for boys. The evening I think went very successful, but was tiring. It was just me and 22 little girls running around the building full of pizza, candy (that was from vday parties at school not me!) and ice cream. The other girl that was suppose to be there to work with me had personal issues and spent pretty much the whole evening hidden in the office on the phone, so while the event was successful it was crazy. Thankfully Chris came back in and helped me clean up that evening, otherwise I may have been there all evening.

On top of that I have been so busy with grad school applications that I have not had time to breathe. I have finally finished all of the applications and now its just waiting it out. I am struggling to focus on this year while planning for the future and it has been a lot harder then I thought it would be lately. Between filling out applications, writing essays, and now I have to travel to interviews, I haven't been giving a 100% to my job or my community. I am going down to JMU on Feb. 23rd for a few days and then on the March 5th I am going to Canisius and there is a day in March I have to go for interviews at SU. It is taking away my weekends here and my time with my housemates.

I realize its important to do try and find a balance and so I have decided to try and make the most out of my time here. Any free time I have I try and spend it with my housemates. This weekend was great, Friday night I had girls night at work which meant 20 something girls 8-12 years old running around Vincent House full of pizza and ice cream. It was definitely a handful but the girls had a blast and so I guess it was all worth it. Then afterward just came back here and hung out with Em and Mike- her boyfriend whose up for the weekend. Then Saturday Em, Mike, Matt, Mary and I went downtown for Winterfest. It's funny how this city surprises me. I definitely was not excited about moving to Syracuse but its a pretty nice place and there is always a lot to do. Winterfest is like a ten day period that has all kinds of activities downtown for good prices. We bought a ticket for the culinary cruise and got to try samples at like ten restaurants. We also bought pitchers of beer to go for the nice price of ten dollars. Once that ended at four we headed back here for dinner and such and then had a few people over last night. It was fun, we played games, had some drinks and just chatted. It just made for a rough day on Sunday.

On Friday there were two things that happened that I have been struggling with. The first is a conversation I had with one of the girls about her home life. This little girl insisted on being the last girl to be dropped off on Friday night and when I asked her why she said she hated being home. She said it was boring and she was often left alone. This girl is only 9 and she is left home alone or in charge of her little sister (whose 5) on a very regular basis. She has very few friends and has a lot of responsibilities at such a young age. It was just another obstacle she had to deal with if she was going to be successful. There are so many things that need to change if the kids I work with are going to be successful it can be overwhelming. This young girl is very intelligent, she actually helped Chris and I by giving us directions to many of the other girls homes, and she has so much potential I just hope she is strong enough to get through the obstacles before her.

The other thing that has been on my mind since Friday is a comment made by one of the preschool boys on the car ride to school. He decided to was a good idea to tell me about how mom and dad had a fight last night and how mommy had been hitting dad. When I asked how he knew that he told me he saw her do it. I then asked where his older brother was at the time and he said he was in the room yelling "Jerry, Jerry" just like it was part of the Jerry Springer show. This conversation almost had me in tears as I am attempting to drive a fifteen person van on small icy roads in Syracuse. The violence that these kids see on a regular basis is horrific. The fact that when it happens it can be down played to as entertainment is disgusting. How can this even be reveresed? Shows on television need to focus less on violence as entertainment but its so much more then that. It needs to come from the parents. They need to care enough to raise them in a safe and violent free home and unfortunately many of the families I work with just dont. Children on a regular basis talk about how they are going to get get a beating when they act bad, and when they get angry at Vincent House their response is almost always to use their body as a weapon. I just pray that there is something to be done that can change this. I will continue to have the same conversation with my kids and encouraging them to use their words and not their fist until hopefully it registers.

Well on a positive note, this week is school vacation week and we have a bunch of field trips schedule and I am excited to get out of the center. Its causing me to think too much ha. Write more soon.

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New year, new beginnings

So, I keep telling myself that I am going to blog more and keep up with it and I really want to but there is always so much going on that I forget to do it or I am too tired. So I am sorry to anyone that likes to read this and find out what is going on in my life. I have been slacking on my blogging and promise to try and write more, as it is a new year. So much has happened since I last blogged that I do not even know where to start. The month of December was really busy. I worked long hours and was constantly running around but all the hard work paid off when I saw the kids/ parents faces when we delivered gifts to them. A typical day for the last two weeks of December was Chris and I would come in at like 9am, head to the HOP and fill the van with gifts, bring them to Vincent House we unloaded, organized and then wrapped gifts all afternoon, stopping for like a five minute lunch or to help out in pre-k. After lunch we would go to the HOP again and get more gifts. We then would either drive around delivering presents, calling parents to come get them, or spend more time wrapping. In between all this we had our Holiday Party, a field trip to the ice-skating rink and finally a trip to see Santa at the mall.All in all it was a great week just very busy.
I then got a great surprise when my mom came to pick me up and Krystal a good friend of mine was with her. It was awesome to see her and to catch up with her in the nice five hour car drive. Home is home. It was amazing to see my friends especially the girls. There was the usual issues with the family and I let it get to me on New Years Eve causing a little bit of drama but luckily I have the best friends in the world so everything is good now.
I came back here on the 1st with Krystal driving me, which was again awesome. She is one of those friends who I may not talk to that often but whenever we do its right back where we left off. So it was back to work on the second, it was a great day hanging out with Chris, Bridget and Maria. We cleaned and planned for the next week. Then off to retreat. Retreat was at Alverna Heights, which was beautiful with all the snow. It was a nice way to get back into the swing of things with the roomies. It was a reorientation and allowed me to look back on what I want to get out of this year. I had set high expectations of this year, despite trying not to and now that it is already January I had to look and reflect if I am meeting them. There is definitely room for improvement. The problem is that there just never seems to be enough time in the day. I want to give a 100% to my job and then community, dinner and prayer and its after 9 to make a phone call, write a letter, read etc. I am just going to work on prioritizing and doing what is really important.

So I officially am really bad at this blog, this one entry has taken me almost a week and I have not even wrote much. Ugh, its been an amazing weekend but I am exhausted more will come soon I promise.